Your Place Or Mine? – A 10 Minute Play

(I wrote this play in 2012 and rewrote it in 2015, so the news references are from those times.)

CHARACTERS

SHEILA – a woman of about 30

GEORGE – a man of about 30

UNCLE LEON – Sheila’s uncle, about 50

AMY – Sheila’s daughter, 10

BRIAN – Sheila’s brother, early to mid 20s

Scene: The front room of Sheila’s house

Time: Contemporary

(The front room of Sheila’s residential house. Upstage is the front door at one corner, and a hallway leading to the rest of the house at the other. A couch is downstage center facing the audience. It is night and the room is dark. The front door is unlocked, opened, and Sheila and George enter.)

SHEILA

Here we are!

GEORGE

Nice place.

SHEILA

You haven’t even looked at it.

GEORGE

(Looks around)

Place looks beautiful, now let’s go see the bedroom, heh heh.

SHEILA

Oh you! Don’t you want to get to know me a little better? We’ve only just met.

GEORGE

(Mock serious)

Uh oh, are there some skeletons in your closet that are going to surprise me?

SHEILA

Of course not, I just like to make a good first impression.

GEORGE

I like everything so far.

SHEILA

Same here.

(They begin to kiss)

Why don’t we get more comfortable.

(They go to the couch and try to sit down, but stand right back up.)

GEORGE

Hey! What the?

SHEILA

(Turns on lamp, sees Uncle Leon laying on the couch)

Uncle Leon?

UNCLE LEON

(Sits up)

Oh, hi, Sheila. I didn’t here you kids come in.

SHEILA

Well what are you doing here?

UNCLE LEO

Bad news, dear, I was foreclosed upon.

SHEILA

(Sits on couch)

Oh no, that’s terrible!

GEORGE

(Less interested)

Yeah, that’s too bad.

UNCLE LEON

Just my luck, I bought at the wrong time.

SHEILA

I am so sorry. I heard you were underwater and having trouble with the payments, but I didn’t know you were about to lose your home.

UNCLE LEON

Your mom said I could use the guest room until I get back on my feet, I just fell asleep out here.

(Gets up off couch)

Anyways, I’ll get off to bed and leave you two alone.

GEORGE

Yeah, nice meeting you.

SHEILA

Now wait a minute, how come you didn’t short sell?

UNCLE LEON

(Sits back down)

Well, ever I since my back injury I missed out on a lot of work, so I went through my savings, and insurance didn’t cover everything, so all these medical bills piled up, then I was a little late on the mortgage. Next thing I know the bank was foreclosing.

SHEILA

How many payments did you miss?

UNCLE LEON

One.

GEORGE

(Incredulous)

They foreclosed after one missed payment?

UNCLE LEON

Yeah, I should have read the fine print.

SHEILA

(As Sheila is speaking, George becomes increasingly annoyed)

Well you should go see a lawyer, because you know what, Uncle Leon? A lot of those foreclosures are illegal. Seriously, I’ve been following this issue. All those sub-prime mortgages are bundled, packaged, and resold to other banks with inflated ratings. But you see, all those mortgage backed securities are actually toxic assets based on a faulty foundation of repackaged debt, and they end up in the unregulated derivative market large banks bet against their own mortgages. The kicker is that when the whole scheme is about to collapse they get a bailout from the government, so their profits are privatized while their losses are socialized.

UNCLE LEON

Of course. How did I not see that?

SHEILA

Because the mainstream, corporatized media doesn’t cover these issues. All that chicanery goes back to the ending of the Glass Steagall Act back in ’99 which removed the protective firewall which separated commercial banking from investment banking and ushered in a new era rampant speculation. So you get some professional help and protect what’s yours.

UNCLE LEON

Thanks, Sheila, always so supportive.

(To George)

Is this a good girl or what?

GEORGE

Uh, yeah, that’s what I was thinking.

UNCLE LEON

(Gets up)

Okay, I’ll get to bed now. Good night, you two.

SHEILA

Good night, Uncle Leon.

GEORGE

Nice meeting you.

(Uncle Leon exits through hallway.)

GEORGE

(Sits down next to Sheila)

Now where were we?

SHEILA

Just getting started.

GEORGE

(Starts kissing Sheila)

Sure wasn’t expecting that.

SHEILA

At least we’re all alone now.

(Sheila reclines back on the couch as George leans on top of her. As they’re kissing, Amy enters from the hallway unnoticed. She stands at the end of the couch and looks at the top of George’s head. George looks up and sees Amy.)

GEORGE

Hi there.

(Goes back to kissing Sheila, then looks up shocked)

Whoa!

SHEILA

Amy?

(Pushes George off of her and sits up)

What are you doing up at this hour?

AMY

Waiting up for you. You’re late.

SHEILA

I’m sorry, honey. I must have lost track of the time.

AMY

(Sits on couch next to Sheila and George is pushed aside)

You were supposed to help me with my geography homework.

SHEILA

That’s right! Oh, I’m so sorry dear.

AMY

That’s okay, I got the answers off Wikipedia.

(Looks at George)

Who are you?

SHEILA

Amy, this is George, he’s a friend of mine.

GEORGE

Good to meet you, Amy.

AMY

(To George)

Hi.

(To Sheila)

Got a letter from Dad today.

GEORGE

(To Sheila)

You’re married?

SHEILA

No, we’re divorced, and you don’t have to worry about him coming around.

GEORGE

Oh, good.

AMY

He’s in prison.

GEORGE

What?

SHEILA

Amy, dear, you’re making George nervous.

GEORGE

No, I’m not nervous.

AMY

Could have fooled me.

SHEILA

Amy! That is no way to talk to an adult!

AMY

But every time you bring home one of your friends I end up having to do my own homework. That’s what made Dad upset and caused him to do what he did.

GEORGE

(Concerned)

What did he do?

SHEILA

It was nothing.

AMY

He assaulted one of Mom’s friends.

GEORGE

He did what?

SHEILA

It was barely a scuffle.

AMY

Are you kidding? The poor guy spent a month in traction.

SHEILA

Okay, so he had a couple of broken bones.

AMY

And it took a year of rehab before he could walk again.

SHEILA

But he’s fine now.

AMY

Except for the lingering psychological damage.

SHEILA

I think it’s time for you to head off to bed, young girl.

AMY

Okay.

SHEILA

Good night, dear.

(Kisses Amy)

GEORGE

Nice meeting you, Amy.

AMY

(Drolly)

Yes, it was thrilling.

(To Sheila)

Good night, Mom.

(Amy hops off couch and exits out hallway.)

SHEILA

Well, now you’ve met some of my family.

GEORGE

Will there be any more surprises?

SHEILA

No, not at all. We’re all alone now.

GEORGE

Finally.

(They start kissing)

So any crazy relative living down in the basement, ha ha.

SHEILA

No, just my brother.

GEORGE

(Stops kissing)

Your brother lives down in the basement?

SHEILA

Yeah, well ever since he got back from Afghanistan he’s had trouble readjusting and finding work. Any one of us would have let him have one of our rooms, but he insisted on the basement.

GEORGE

So, there isn’t any chance he’ll sneak up on us?

SHEILA

No, not at all. Brian likes to keep to himself. If he is still up he’s either reading or watching War Stories with Oliver North.

GEORGE

Well anyone willing to serve our country is a stand up guy.

SHEILA

Yes, we’re very proud of him.

(Brian appears and is crawling slowly across the floor on his belly. He is carrying a broom in his arms.)

GEORGE

He must have seen some intense action.

SHEILA

Yes, he doesn’t like talking much about the war. It really affected him.

GEORGE

Does he have PTSD?

SHEILA

As long as takes his medication he’s all right.

GEORGE

(Cautiously)

What happens if he doesn’t?

SHEILA

Hallucinations mainly.

(Brian has sneaked around to behind the couch, then quietly stands up holding the broom like a rifle.)

GEORGE

Hallucinations?

SHEILA

Yes, he’ll suffer a break from reality and imagine he’s back fighting in Afghanistan.

GEORGE

There aren’t any firearms around the house, are there?

SHEILA

No, there is nothing deadly like that laying around, of course he’s always bragging how he can turn anything into a weapon.

(Brian advances upon them from behind.)

SHEILA

But he usually just keeps all that to himself. He doesn’t like to be agitated.

(Brian jumps downstage and points broom handle at George like a rifle.)

BRIAN

Halt! Who goes there?!

GEORGE

(Surprised)

What the hell?!

SHEILA

Brian? Have you not been taking your medication?

BRIAN

Ma’am, will you please step away? This insurgent may be a suicide bomber.

GEORGE

Huh?!

SHEILA

(Stands up off couch)

Brian, you put that broom handle down right now and get back to your basement!

BRIAN

Ma’am, we need to get this insurgent back to Bagram so we can interrogate him.

GEORGE

(Jumps up)

Oh no you don’t!

BRIAN

Hey, Sarge! We need a translator!

(Uncle Leon runs in from the hallway with a bottle of pills, Amy runs in right behind him.)

UNCLE LEON

I’ve got his pills!

(George runs from Brian, then Uncle Leon and Amy run after Brian.  Chaos ensues.)

UNCLE LEON

I can’t get this childproof cap open!

AMY

(Takes pill bottle)

I’ll do it!

(Amy open the pill bottle while Uncle Leon gets a hold of Brian and wrestles him down onto the couch.)

AMY

Hold him down!

(Amy climbs onto couch, pours pills into Brian’s mouth, makes him chew and swallow, then Brian starts to relax while jabbering incoherently.)

GEORGE

That does it! I’ve had enough of this insanity! I’m going home!

(He goes to the front door)

And to a place where there’s more peace and quiet, and less racket and danger than this madhouse!

SHEILA

And where’s the that?

GEORGE

Ferguson.

(George exits out the front door.)

(End of play)

©2012, 2015 Robert Kirkendall