(Inspired by the peculiar election season of 2016)
CHARACTERS
LIONEL TROWBRIDGE – The interviewer
TANYA BICKFORD – The interviewee
Scene: An interview studio
LIONEL
Good evening, and welcome to Current Affairs. I am your host, Lionel Trowbridge. Tonight we’ll be discussing the entertaining, if not controversial, congressional campaign of Arnie Fowler with his most recent spokesperson Tanya Bickford. Thank you for joining us, Tanya.
TANYA
Thank you for having me, Lionel.
LIONEL
So you are the newest spokesperson. How long have you been in the inner circle the Fowler campaign?
TANYA
Hmm, let’s see. (THINKS) Since this morning.
LIONEL
And what happened to the previous spokesperson?
TANYA
Well the police and the FBI are still looking for him. Hopefully they’ll catch him before he flees the country. Who would think that a former Wall Street lobbyist would turn out to be an embezzler. Sure had us fooled.
LIONEL
Yes, quite. So, Arnie Fowler. Last week he accused his opponent, incumbent Sylvia Brown, of being not only a sympathizer of ISIS, but a donor of money and time to the cause. He even claimed that Brown runs an ISIS training camp on her palatial estate. Now after a through search by our staff, we determined that all these claims were beyond false. In fact, the palatial estate Fowler claimed to be owned by Brown is actually a two bedroom townhouse next to a busy freeway. How do you explain Fowler’s apparently false claims?
TANYA
Well, Mr. Fowler didn’t actually claim these things, he was merely speculating in the spirit of debate.
LIONEL
But debate requires two opposing sides.
TANYA
Well, yes, that’s the standard, mainstream way of debating, but Mr. Fowler likes to push the envelope of what are considered the accepted definitions of reality.
LIONEL
I see. Now let’s move on to another of Fowler’s statements. He referred to appellate court judge Margaret Tanaka as a “disgrace to the bench and women everywhere,” a “stupid broad,” and “proof that only men were capable of being judges.” He then followed these statements with a series of stereotypical karate motions and sounds in an apparent swipe at Judge Tanaka’s heritage. How do you explain such behavior?
TANYA
What Mr. Fowler said was taken completely out of context by a media that is obsessed with political correctness and doesn’t really care what the average middle American is thinking. And Judge Tanaka did rule against Mr. Fowler and his business associates planned project to revitalize the city.
LIONEL
Was that the project that was going to demolish an old folks home so they could build a golf course?
TANYA
Yes, that one.
LIONEL
Back to your previous comment, are you suggesting that middle Americans are thinking the same things and feel the same way as Arnie Fowler?
TANYA
I’m just saying you can’t know until you stir things up, and Mr. Fowler has been drawing sizable crowds. Why at our last rally a bunch of supporters all showed up in white. They were even wearing these white hoods. Very supportive, and so many of them.
LIONEL
Now that brings me to another point. At many of Fowler’s speeches, there have been verbal and physical assaults against peaceful protesters, a number of which were egged on by Fowler. And at one rally Fowler handed out cattle prods and autographed ax handles to his supporters. Are you at all reticent about working on a campaign that seems to endorse violence?
TANYA
Mr. Fowler is a man of the people, and he likes to keep that relationship close. He doesn’t need the filter of handlers and political insiders who are so called experts on campaigning. All these high priced consultants claim that all they’re doing is trying to save their candidate from embarrassing and campaign killing situations. Mr. Fowler isn’t afraid to say what’s on his mind at all times no matter the consequences. Some even say that Mr. Fowler is beyond embarrassment.
LIONEL
Hmm. Another recurring theme in the criticism of Arnie Fowler is his consistent ignorance of history and today’s news events, as well as his constant disinformation. Care to comment?
TANYA
Glad to, Lionel. People are sick and tired of being told what to do by snobby, overly educated elites. Just because they’ve studied and learned more than most people doesn’t make them experts. People want a candidate they can identify with, who’s just like them, humble and god-fearing, not some intimidating brainiac who knows how to read.
LIONEL
(PAUSE) Are you saying that Mr. Fowler doesn’t know how to read?
TANYA
He does know the alphabet. He just still has trouble with words longer than two letters. But you know what? People like an underdog. They don’t want a candidate who claims they can solve every single problem, they want a candidate who’s willing to admit his shortcomings. That’s what makes Mr. Fowler so relatable.
LIONEL
Actually Fowler has claimed to be perfect and mistake free on many occasions, and he regularly ridicules people for their mistakes and flaws. And his recent embrace of Christianity seems to go against past comments in which Fowler referred to church goers as (LOOKS AT NOTES), “dumb sheep who’ll believe anything.”
TANYA
Ah, but Mr. Fowler was merely being sarcastic when he was saying those things. Certainly the people know the difference between truth and sarcasm.
LIONEL
Interesting. Any final comments on the campaign of Arnie Fowler and why people should vote for him?
TANYA
Yes. People are tired of the same old same old. They want a fresh perspective with a new agenda that isn’t beholden to special interests like the human rights agitators and union bosses and intellectual elites. A vote for Arnie Fowler is a vote for political honesty and against political correctness. Mr. Fowler is candidate who always speaks his mind without concern of how those words words will affect others. You see, deep down Mr. Fowler has the innocence of a child, and like a child there is a purity to his demands. That’s what matters to his supporters, and that’s why people should vote for Arnie Fowler.
LIONEL
Well thank you for joining us, Tanya. (TO AUDIENCE) And thank you for watching another edition of Current Affairs. We have been speaking with Tanya Bickford, the newest campaign manager for congressional candidate Arnie Fowler. I’m your host, Lionel Trowbridge. Good night.
©2016 Robert Kirkendall
Robert Kirkendall 