All In The Island – A 10 Minute Play

A Gilligan’s Island spoof in which the roles of the Skipper and Gilligan are reimaged as played by Carol O’Connor (he read for the part of the Skipper) and Rob Reiner. The rest of the castaways should appear as portrayed by their original actors. Gilligan’s Island debuted on CBS on September 26, 1964, about a month and a half after the Gulf of Tonkin incident that escalated the Vietnam War, and the premise here is that the SS Minnow was supposed to be a part of the operation but was surreptitiously steered off course by Gilligan because he is opposed to escalation.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

SKIPPER (ARCHIE BUNKER)

GILLIGAN (MIKE STIVIC)

MARY ANN

GINGER

MR. HOWELL

MRS. HOWELL

PROFESSOR

Scene: An uncharted island in the South Pacific

Time: Day, August 1964

(MARY ANN and GINGER are sitting on a log talking while sewing a net.)

GINGER

I sure hope Gilligan and the Skipper can get the Minnow fixed. I’d sure hate to be stranded on this primitive island.

MARY ANN

I’m sure they will, Ginger. The Skipper is very capable and experienced.

GINGER

And Gilligan?

MARY ANN

His incompetency keeps everyone amused.

(Holds up net)

What do you think of the repair I did?

GINGER

Oh, that’s very good, Mary Ann! I wish I knew how to sew like that.

MARY ANN

It’s not that hard. Let me show you.

(Demonstrates)

See? Nothing too it.

GINGER

Oh, I see. I never had a chance to learn how to sew. If one of my costumes had a rip during one of my shows, our costumer would sew it up.

MARY ANN

Wow, that sounds convenient.

GINGER

Yes, it was. I wanted to bring him along on this trip, but his husband doesn’t want him traveling overseas.

MARY ANN

Wait a minute, his husband? That’s not legal.

GINGER

But why not? If two people love each other, they should be able to marry no what their gender is.

MARY ANN

This is 1964, remember?

GINGER

Oh, the dark ages.

(SKIPPER and GILLIGAN enter. They are both upset.)

SKIPPER

Gilligan, you meathead! We’re supposed to be in Tonkin right now, not this island of cannibals!

GILLIGAN

We have no right to be in Southeast Asia! Our foreign policy is firing at everything that moves!

MARY ANN

What’s wrong, guys?

SKIPPER

This dumb Polack sabotaged us!

MARY ANN

Oh no, Gilligan! How could you?

GILLIGAN

I didn’t sabotage anything! I merely diverted our course to this island to avoid any danger.

GINGER

But what if no one rescues us?

SKIPPER

Yeah, genius! Did you think of that?

GILLIGAN

We’ll be fine! We just hit a reef a little too hard, that’s all. We’ll fix it. And I’m sure the natives here

are very friendly people who’ll be more than willing to help us.

SKIPPER

Oh my god! Are you serious?

GILLIGAN

I am. And I’ll bet they’re not at all like those stereotypes you believe in.

SKIPPER

I’ve had enough of your commie peacenick talk! We work for Uncle Sam, not Ho Chi Minh!

GILLIGAN

And why do you assume this island is populated with cannibals? Because they’re different from us, and therefore must be uncivilized?

SKIPPER

Oh yeah? I bet you wouldn’t want one living next to you!

GILLIGAN

It wouldn’t bother me one bit to have a Pacific Islander as a neighbor.

SKIPPER

What, you’d live next to an Oriental? Would you live next door to a colored as well?

GILLIGAN

(Proudly)

I’d live next door to anyone. We are all equals.

SKIPPER

Meathead, of all the stupid things you’ve said, that’s the stupidest one yet!

(Rest of castaways enter.)

MR. HOWELL

What’s all this fighting about?

MRS. HOWELL

Yes, you boys are making such a terrible racket.

SKIPPER

This pinko steered us off course!

GILLIGAN

We’ll fix it! Now enough with the anger.

MR. HOWELL

Well please hurry because we need to get back out onto sea and get to Tonkin as fast as we can. My friends at Bell Helicopter are counting on us.

MRS. HOWELL

And Lockheed, and Raytheon, and Northrup Grumman.

MR. HOWELL

Yes, lovey, I was just getting to that.

GILLIGAN

Don’t you see? We’re fighting for corporations!

SKIPPER

Corporations made America!

GILLIGAN

That is so narrow and misinformed! Isn’t there more to America than just taking wealth from other nations?

MARY ANN

Gilligan, I think you’ve been reading too much I.F. Stone.

MRS. HOWELL

Yes, Gilligan, you really should avoid those dreadful radicals.

MR. HOWELL

Bomb throwers they are!

GINGER

And I’m not taking anything, Gilligan. If anything, I’m giving of myself.

(The Castaways give words of agreement and support.)

PROFESSOR

So you see, Gilligan, there’s more to this mission than just corporate profitability. For instance, I’m doing experiments with a new chemical compound I’ve developed for Dow Chemicals.

MRS. HOWELL

That’s right. And how is the new defoliant coming along, Professor?

PROFESSOR

So far amazingly well. I predict a bright future for Agent Orange.

MRS. POWELL

That’s just wonderful. Isn’t it, dear?

MR. POWELL

Yes, we’ll destroy the jungles of Vietnam in no time. I’ll bet they surrender within the year!

GILLIGAN

So that’s our strategy? Defoliating their entire country?

MARY ANN

Oh it’s harmless, we use the same stuff on the farms back in Iowa. And except for the occasional birth defect or serial killer we haven’t had any problems.

GINGER

But will this operation only last a year? I’ve been working hard on my USO act and was so looking forward to performing for our boys.

PROFESSOR

Well perhaps our involvement will be more than a year, maybe it’ll be two years.

GINGER

Just as long as I get to entertain our boys.

SKIPPER

Don’t you worry, Ginger. We’ll get you to your show, just as soon as we fix the Minnow. We just had a little problem thanks to Gilligan’s meatheadedness!

GILLIGAN

Skipper, we have no business taking part in another country’s civil war!

SKIPPER

Haven’t you ever heard of the domino principle? If one country falls to Kremlin Joe and Chairman Mao they’re all going to fall.

GILLIGAN

But it is so much more complex than that! How can you reduce the complications of world politics and conflicting ideologies into a kid’s game?

PROFESSOR

So people can understand it. Otherwise the average American won’t be able to appreciate our Southeast Asia mission.

GILLIGAN

It’s that kind of dumbed down thinking that leads to war.

MARY ANN

But that’s how progress is made. When this skirmish is over we’ll have a new ally in the Cold War.

You have to look at the big picture, Gilligan.

GINGER

Yes, the Soviet Union will come crawling to us.

MARY ANN

That’s right. And once we win the Cold War that’ll be the end of world tensions once and for all.

PROFESSOR

So as you can see, Gilligan, we’re on a mission of peace.

GINGER

That’s right. In the future people will be appreciative how Vietnam brought peace to America.

GILLIGAN

But how do we know that the Pentagon isn’t lying to us?

MR. POWELL

That is absurd, my dear boy. Our government would never lie to the public.

MRS. POWELL

But they do keep some secrets, like classified military operations.

MR. POWELL

Well of course, lovey, but that’s not the same thing as giving out false information, something our government would never do.

GILLIGAN

Ha! And you call me naive!

SKIPPER

No, we call you meathead.

GILLIGAN

But why believe everything the government says?

MR. POWELL

Because we conservatives believe in maintaining our institutions, not overthrowing them.

MRS. POWELL

Oh, Gilligan, you really should come to your senses.

GILLIGAN

But I have! That’s what I’m saying.

PROFESSOR

So what makes you so skeptical about our mission, Gilligan?

GILLIGAN

Well, look at what happened to the French.

SKIPPER

Oh don’t get me started on those frogs!

GILLIGAN

But don’t you remember how they got bogged down over there? And they had colonized Indochina for almost a hundred years! We can’t let the same thing happen to us.

PROFESSOR

France was weakened by German occupation during World War II, so maintaining their colonies was becoming extraneous.

SKIPPER

And they did it all wrong because they were too busy swilling wine and being rude! Uncle Sam has to go in there and finish the job!

GILLIGAN

And how’s it going to be different for us? What if we get stuck in the same quagmire?

MR. HOWELL

Because we’re America, dear boy! And America doesn’t do quagmires.

MRS. HOWELL

Yes, quagmires are so tedious.

GILLIGAN

But nobody intends to get into a quagmire! They happen when you underestimate your situation and you end up getting bogged down by unforeseen obstacles.

GINGER

But Gilligan, must you be so defeatist?

MARY ANN

Yeah, Gilligan, you need to jump on the bandwagon and cheer America on for the big win!

GILLIGAN

I don’t trust sports analogies, they usually happen around a cover up.

PROFESSOR

But you need to have more faith in the government, Gilligan. They may get it wrong sometimes, but only by accident. They would never purposefully get us into an intractable situation.

(Everyone except GILLIGAN agrees.)

GILLIGAN

Okay, hear me out. Suppose, hypothetically, that our government is in collusion with certain business interests to make sure this military operation lasts longer than they’re saying.

(Everyone except GILLIGAN is disbelieving.)

MARY ANN

Now would they do that?

GILLIGAN

Because war is good for business.

SKIPPER

Now wait a minute, nobody said anything about a war! We’re providing support for a police action!

GILLIGAN

Yes, that’s how it starts, but then it’ll escalate, just like Korea!

SKIPPER

We handled that!

GILLIGAN

That ended with a cease fire, technically we’re still at war there.

PROFESSOR

Technically, yes, but do you really think little North Korea will ever pose a risk to us?

MARY ANN

Yeah, it’s not like they’re a nuclear power.

GILLIGAN

But still, that kind of heavy handedness creates pockets of oppression, frustration, and discontent, and then people lash out.

SKIPPER

Then an air strike is called. Case closed.

GILLIGAN

But I thought we weren’t at war! Clearly an air strike is an act of military aggression.

SKIPPER

An air strike doesn’t mean a war, it’s about protecting our men serving overseas!

GILLIGAN

Ah, and why are our men overseas if it’s not for military purposes?

PROFESSOR

It’s all part of the overall plan of world peace we’ve discussed.

SKIPPER

Yeah! Weren’t you listening?

GILLIGAN

(Facetiously)

Of course, peace through war! Makes perfect sense.

MARY ANN

Gilligan, you may not like our foreign policy, but as long as we’re all stuck on this island, you won’t have a chance to express your views.

MR. POWELL

And I won’t get a chance to build up my stock portfolio.

GINGER

And I won’t get a chance to perform for our boys.

MARY ANN

Yeah, Gilligan, you really need to repair the Minnow.

(Everyone tries to convince GILLIGAN until he relents.)

GILLIGAN

Okay, okay! You’ll all be happy to know that I’ve already got the bow fixed. So we can all get off this island and resume our dubious Southeast Asia mission.

(Everyone lets out cheers of satisfaction.)

MR. POWELL

At last! We can leave this island of primitives.

PROFESSOR

And I can get back to work on my death ray.

GINGER

And I can entertain our boys!

PROFESSOR

And what do you do, Mary Ann?

MARY ANN

(Puzzled)

You know, I’m not sure.

SKIPPER

Well I make sure you all get to your destinations, now let’s get going!

(Everyone exits toward the Minnow, except MRS. POWELL, who stops the SKIPPER to ask him a question.)

MRS. POWELL

Now Skipper, before we get going, I was wondering if you could help us load our trunk back onto the Minnow. I tried to talk Thurston into leaving it on the boat, but he insisted on bringing it on shore. He almost threw his back out! Poor thing. I keep telling him, lovey, you’re not on the college polo team anymore, but he doesn’t listen. Hardly ever does really, mother tried to warn me. But the trunk shouldn’t give you any trouble, certainly not a strapping sea captain such as yourself.

(During monologue, SKIPPER will pantomime suicide, one of Archie Bunker’s classic shticks when Edith talked too much.

MRS. POWELL

And I was also wondering if wouldn’t be too much trouble to make a stop over in Thailand? They make these lovely looking figurines, and I was hoping to pick some up as Christmas presents. Now I know Christmas is still months away, but they are such lovely figurines, and I really don’t know when Thurston and I will be in the South Pacific again. Did I ever tell you about the time we dined with King Rama? A gracious host, but oh so serious. A guest who had had too much to drink had made an off color remark that really upset the King. He was going to have the man publicly flogged, but fortunately for him the CIA station chief intervened and we are all spared the indignity of seeing poor Senator Kennedy whipped in front of all those peasants.

(The SKIPPER pantomimes tying a rope into a noose, then hanging himself dead while MRS. POWELL talks obliviously.)

HangingArchie

CURTAIN

©2018 Robert Kirkendall

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Redwood Summer Part II Chapter 6 (repost)

A rewrite and expansion of Redwood Summer chapter 6. This is the beginning of the second third of the novel. It takes place about a month after chapter 5 ends, and begins the changes that will happen in Jason’s, the main character, life. Jason and his mother have a debate about the pros and cons of technology, and then she reminds him that his sister will be home from college that later that day. She is a student at Cal Poly, and this her first mention in the novel. Mother suspects Jason may be envious of his sister, though he swears he isn’t.

via Redwood Summer Part II Chapter 6

Redwood Summer Chapter 5 (repost)

Rewrite of chapter 5.  The scene is the morning after a glorious party, and the end of the first third of the novel.  Everyone is hungover but happy, and the story reaches a peak at the end of this chapter, after which is the downward slide to its ultimate fate.

via Redwood Summer Chapter 5

99 Word Prompt: Property Values

May 17: Flash Fiction Challenge

“And if you look here,” the real estate agent said, “you’ll see that the fire damage didn’t destroy the entire kitchen.”

“Well that’s good,” said the husband.

“A fixer upper!” his wife added optimistically.

“Can we see the master bedroom?” the husband asked.

“Sorry, can’t do that,” the agent replied.  “The ceiling caved in.”

“What’s that stench?” the wife asked as she averted her nose.

“Oh, that’s a pile of burning outhouses in the backyard.

“So how much?” the husband asked.

“1.2 million dollars.”

“Wow!” the husband responded.

I’ll say!” the wife agreed excitedly.  “A real bargain for Silicon Valley!”

Redwood Summer Chapter 4 (repost)

Just gave chapter 4 a rewrite, the party scene. One of the inspirations for this chapter is the party scene from The Great Gatsby. Not that I’m at that level of expertise, but learn from the best. What struck me about the party scene from Gatsby is that it’s so ethereal it almost seems unreal, and so beautiful that you know the happiness won’t last.  And I think it’s a match with my party scene because it represents a deliriously happy peak for all the characters that they’ll never reach again.

via Redwood Summer Chapter 4

Thank You To All My New Email Followers

Just wanted to express my gratitude to my new email followers.  I haven’t had time to thank everyone individually, but since you’re now on my email list I know you’ll be receiving this thank you post.  And now that I finally placed an Follow Me on my web page I hope to reach more people, so spread the word!!!

Thanks again

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Redwood Summer Chapter 3 (repost)

Just rewrote chapter 3 of Redwood Summer.  I’m going through the entire draft of the novel making final changes and improvements before I approach an agent.  Redwood Summer takes place in 1990 San Jose, CA, and this chapter is set in the main character’s workplace during the early summer.  All 17 chapters of Redwood Summer are posted on my site.

via Redwood Summer Chapter 3

99 Word Prompt: Fishy Story

April 26: Flash Fiction Challenge

“So I caught a fish this big,” said a fisherman, his hands slightly apart.

“Oh yeah? Well I caught one this big,” bragged another fisherman, his arms stretched out farther.

“That’s nothing,” another fisherman chimed in. “I caught one this big!” He strained his arms apart as far as they could stretch.

“Hey, guys!” announced Spiderman foe and public nuisance Dr. Octopus as he approached. “Wanna hear how big of a fish I caught?” he boasted, a proud smile underneath his coke bottle thick eyeglasses. He eagerly prepared to extend his four extra metallic arms to maximum length.

“No!”

Redwood Summer Chapter 17

The parties, family gatherings, career change, leaving of school, ordeals, dispersement of friends to their separate lives, and all the other life events of the past year ran through Jason’s mind as he continued to look out the passenger side window from a work truck as Hal drove. He gazed ahead to the dry, golden hills in the distance covered with light brown grass, then another memory came to mind as he thought back to a time when he and his friends drove up to the summit of the Santa Cruz Mountains, hiked into a park of enormous rocks, and looked down across the entire valley. He peered toward the south and tried to find the spot on the mountain range where they went, but the truck turned a corner and he lost sight of it.

“I tell you, Jason, your uncle’s a good guy,” Hal said as he sped past a long row of business parks and concrete tilt-ups. “He lets me work for him when I’m not making enough at my own business. Things are kind of dicey right now, but it should pick up soon. Times like this are good for the economy.”

The cab became silent, then Jason figured Hal was waiting for a response. “Yeah, I’m sure it will,” he answered reflexively. “Uncle Ray is a good guy, saved me from a dead end job.”

“Salt of the earth,” Hal proclaimed. “Ought to be more like him.”

“Yeah, there should,” Jason responded as he recalled how welcoming Uncle Ray was when he approached him for a job. Like he was expecting me, Jason thought to himself.

“You see, what we’re doing is solid,” Hal informed. “Businesses come and go, some get bought out, others move overseas, but there’s always going to be a need for construction. All the engineers and programmers and computer nerds around here, they spend their whole day in front of computer screens, never go outside, probably never get laid. Think any of them can do what we do?”

“Maybe not,” Jason replied, “but they’re the ones who come up with the ideas that keep
everything going. So what if they don’t know how to swing a hammer, they don’t need to.”

“But you can’t run a business outdoors, or this country for that matter. Every king needs a castle, and someone has to build that castle, that’s where we come in.” Hal looked around the expanse. “Sure, this place gets more crowded every year, I remember how it used to be, but that’s what keeps us in business.”

“Yep,” Jason said, “until we run out of land.”

“I wouldn’t worry about that,” Hal reassured. “There’s still enough to keep us busy for a long while. Plus there’s all those older buildings that need to be demolished and replaced. No new real estate required for that.”

“And on it goes,” Jason said partly to himself. He contemplated the perpetually onward flow of time, and its complete indifference to the changes in his own life.

“You know what,” Hal began, “we supply a necessary demand, which gives us a chance to make a decent living in the greatest country on earth. That’s something to be thankful for.” Over the radio a news talk show was discussing a pending United States military deployment to the Mideast. “Now you take that situation between Iraq and Kuwait,” he said, “all the bleeding heart types say we should avoid war, but what choice do we have? That is a key strategic part of the world.”

Jason listened to the discussion on the radio, and thought some of the people talking sounded more agitated and enthusiastic for war than they needed to be. “I don’t know,” he countered. “You think they’re telling us everything?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well the way they’re talking about it, it just sounds too neat, like something is being left out.”

“We got the biggest and best military on earth. What’s the worse that can happen?”

“What does a war on the other side of the world have to do with us?”

“Strategy, my friend,” Hal reminded.

Jason pondered. “I thought we were friends with the Russians now.”

“All the more reason to strike, they won’t get in the way.”

“But it seems like there’s still time to work it out.”

“Well, you have to look at the big picture,” Hal advised. “If all we do is talk, which is basically doing nothing, greater problems may happen. Problems that can affect our security,” he added ominously.

“It’ll still cost some lives.”

“Sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the greater good.” Hal looked over at Jason. “You don’t like war?”

“All I’m saying we shouldn’t rush into anything until we know what’s going on over there,” Jason cautioned.

“I’ll tell you what’s going on,” Hal said confidentially. “Over there is where most of the world’s black gold is, that’s what fuels industry, the economy, pretty much all of civilization, and we got to have a foothold there if we want to get our share. It’s all a matter of survival.”

“What about the people already living there?”

Hal laughed. “Are you kidding me? A bunch of sand niggers who’ve been killing each other for centuries? We got to go in there, straighten the whole mess out, and put everyone back in their place. That’s what we do.”

Jason looked down an avenue they were crossing and in the distance noticed the building where his last job was. “Since when?”

“Okay, all kidding aside,” Hal started. “Everyone does have a right to an opinion, that’s the American way, but when the shit goes down you don’t want to be caught on the wrong side.” They drove along further. “You know what I’m saying, right?”

Jason listened closer to the talking on the radio. The debate had become heated and antagonistic as the voices rose to a higher pitch. He sensed Hal still looking at him, and he felt the push of coercion. “You know what,” he began, “I work, I pay taxes, I’m a good citizen, and I have the right to believe in what I want, when I want, how I want,” he asserted. “And no one can tell me different!” He was surprised by the righteousness of his declaration, and it dawned upon him that he was free. “Yeah,” he said to himself, “I’d fight for that.”

Hal appeared to want to respond, but silently drove on. Jason then remembered his plans for the upcoming weekend with Christine and some friends, as well as some people from their new neighborhood. Something to look forward to, he thought happily.

                                                                                THE END

©2018 Robert Kirkendall

99 Word Prompt: Sun Silly

April 5: Flash Fiction

Horace ran around the town square under the midday sun laughing and whooping while doing flips and cartwheels.

“Horace is acting rather strange,” a townsperson observed.

“He sure is,” another concurred.

“Must be because it’s spring,” a third interjected.  “He does act strange when the seasons change.”

“But this is out of control,” the first said.  “And look at that suggestive move he’s doing to one of the pillars in front of the courthouse!”

“Perhaps it’s time to kick Horace out of our respectable community,” the second townsperson suggested.

“Agreed,” the third agreed.  “He’s too weird for Santa Cruz.”