August 30: Flash Fiction Challenge
THE BOTTLE OPENER
A party goer grabbed a longneck bottle of ale from an ice chest and searched around. “Anyone know where the bottle opener is?”
“I got this,” another party goer said as he picked up another beer bottle. “Now give me yours.”
The first party goer handed him his bottle, then the second party goer held his bottle upside down and placed the edge of its bottlecap against the other bottlecap. “A little trick I learned in college, using one bottle to open another.”
A cap popped off and beer spilled all over his pants.
“Ooops, wrong cap came off.”
August 16: Flash Fiction Challenge
YOU SHOULD’VE LISTENED TO ME!
“I see a dark omen ahead for you,” the sorceress warned.
“Well that’s a bummer,” the man said nonchalantly.
“Heed my words!” the sorceress reiterated. “When a comet appears that is aligned with one of the planets, it will spell your doom!”
“How does a comet align with a planet?” the man said dismissively. “That doesn’t even make sense.”
“Doubt me at your own peril!”
“Planets move in orbits, comets go in a straight line,” the man explained condescendingly. “Crazy old bat,” the man chuckled and left.
He crossed the street and was struck by an old Mercury Comet.
August 9: Flash Fiction Challenge
SAD CAT DIARY: WILDLIFE EDITION
The mountain lion came up to the forest’s edge drawn by the scent of food. She peered from the woods at a flock of livestock in a nearby pasture.
One of those sheep could feed me and my little ones for a week, the mountain lion thought as she longed for the forbidden sustenance, but if I take one, the humans will come after me and kill me! I only want one, the lion moped, and they have so many, it isn’t fair.
The dejected feline slouched in defeat. Why must the humans be so cruel? she wondered piteously.
July 5: Flash Fiction Challenge
BIG AND SHINY
“Now listen here, swine!” Claude bellowed with inflated self importance. “Now that I’ve put in charge of this department things are going to be different! There will be order!”
The employees looked at him blankly.
“First rule, my cubicle is off limits! Nobody enters my territory! Nobody messes with my stuff! You will respect my authority!”
The employees rushed Claude, tackled him, knocked down all his cubicle walls, overturned his desk, scattered his paperwork, and threw his laptop out the window.
“If you don’t anyone to push your buttons,” an employee reminded, “don’t make them so big and shiny.”
June 21: Flash Fiction Challenge
YOU CAN’T GET THERE FROM HERE
A city person pulled into a rural service station. “Excuse me, sir, do you know the way to Davenport?”
“Davenport?” the rustic attendant answered. “Don’t reckon I do.”
“How about Greenfield?”
The attendant pondered. “Nope, don’t know the way there either.”
“Well can you tell me the way to the nearest Interstate?”
“I suppose if you keep driving down this highway you’ll run into one, but I don’t rightly know exactly where.”
The driver became frustrated. “I must say, you don’t seem to know your way around here.”
The attendant chuckled. “Yeah, but I’m not the one who’s lost.”
May 17: Flash Fiction Challenge
“And if you look here,” the real estate agent said, “you’ll see that the fire damage didn’t destroy the entire kitchen.”
“Well that’s good,” said the husband.
“A fixer upper!” his wife added optimistically.
“Can we see the master bedroom?” the husband asked.
“Sorry, can’t do that,” the agent replied. “The ceiling caved in.”
“What’s that stench?” the wife asked as she averted her nose.
“Oh, that’s a pile of burning outhouses in the backyard.
“So how much?” the husband asked.
“1.2 million dollars.”
“Wow!” the husband responded.
I’ll say!” the wife agreed excitedly. “A real bargain for Silicon Valley!”
April 26: Flash Fiction Challenge
“So I caught a fish this big,” said a fisherman, his hands slightly apart.
“Oh yeah? Well I caught one this big,” bragged another fisherman, his arms stretched out farther.
“That’s nothing,” another fisherman chimed in. “I caught one this big!” He strained his arms apart as far as they could stretch.
“Hey, guys!” announced Spiderman foe and public nuisance Dr. Octopus as he approached. “Wanna hear how big of a fish I caught?” he boasted, a proud smile underneath his coke bottle thick eyeglasses. He eagerly prepared to extend his four extra metallic arms to maximum length.
April 5: Flash Fiction
Horace ran around the town square under the midday sun laughing and whooping while doing flips and cartwheels.
“Horace is acting rather strange,” a townsperson observed.
“He sure is,” another concurred.
“Must be because it’s spring,” a third interjected. “He does act strange when the seasons change.”
“But this is out of control,” the first said. “And look at that suggestive move he’s doing to one of the pillars in front of the courthouse!”
“Perhaps it’s time to kick Horace out of our respectable community,” the second townsperson suggested.
“Agreed,” the third agreed. “He’s too weird for Santa Cruz.”
March 8: Flash Fiction Challenge
Timmy brought the balloon animal to his family. “Look at what I got.”
“Why look at that balloon dog!” his mother said. “How cute!”
“No,” father disagreed, “it’s a horse.”
“You’re both wrong,” grandma interrupted. “It’s obviously a rhinoceros.”
“Let me look at that,” Uncle Wally requested as he took the balloon animal and inspected it. “Just as I thought, a pelican.”
Aunt Sue grabbed the balloon animal and looked it over. “No, it’s a lobster.”
“You’re all wrong,” Timmy said as he took it back. “It’s just a bunch of balloons randomly tied together. You people are weird.”
February 1: Flash Fiction Challenge
“Trust me, son, you’ll like this film,” father said as he inserted the DVD. “It’s a classic!”
“Oh no, not another black and white movie.”
“Still a quality film.”
“But old movies are so dated,” the son insisted. “And they talk so fast you can’t understand them.”
“That’s because they were all high on Benzedrine, but you’ll like this one,” father assured. “A timeless story.” He pressed play on the remote, the movie started, and they watched the opening scene.
“So if this is a black and white movie,” the son wondered, “how come it only has white actors?”