May 17: Flash Fiction Challenge
“And if you look here,” the real estate agent said, “you’ll see that the fire damage didn’t destroy the entire kitchen.”
“Well that’s good,” said the husband.
“A fixer upper!” his wife added optimistically.
“Can we see the master bedroom?” the husband asked.
“Sorry, can’t do that,” the agent replied. “The ceiling caved in.”
“What’s that stench?” the wife asked as she averted her nose.
“Oh, that’s a pile of burning outhouses in the backyard.
“So how much?” the husband asked.
“1.2 million dollars.”
“Wow!” the husband responded.
I’ll say!” the wife agreed excitedly. “A real bargain for Silicon Valley!”
April 26: Flash Fiction Challenge
“So I caught a fish this big,” said a fisherman, his hands slightly apart.
“Oh yeah? Well I caught one this big,” bragged another fisherman, his arms stretched out farther.
“That’s nothing,” another fisherman chimed in. “I caught one this big!” He strained his arms apart as far as they could stretch.
“Hey, guys!” announced Spiderman foe and public nuisance Dr. Octopus as he approached. “Wanna hear how big of a fish I caught?” he boasted, a proud smile underneath his coke bottle thick eyeglasses. He eagerly prepared to extend his four extra metallic arms to maximum length.
April 5: Flash Fiction
Horace ran around the town square under the midday sun laughing and whooping while doing flips and cartwheels.
“Horace is acting rather strange,” a townsperson observed.
“He sure is,” another concurred.
“Must be because it’s spring,” a third interjected. “He does act strange when the seasons change.”
“But this is out of control,” the first said. “And look at that suggestive move he’s doing to one of the pillars in front of the courthouse!”
“Perhaps it’s time to kick Horace out of our respectable community,” the second townsperson suggested.
“Agreed,” the third agreed. “He’s too weird for Santa Cruz.”
March 8: Flash Fiction Challenge
Timmy brought the balloon animal to his family. “Look at what I got.”
“Why look at that balloon dog!” his mother said. “How cute!”
“No,” father disagreed, “it’s a horse.”
“You’re both wrong,” grandma interrupted. “It’s obviously a rhinoceros.”
“Let me look at that,” Uncle Wally requested as he took the balloon animal and inspected it. “Just as I thought, a pelican.”
Aunt Sue grabbed the balloon animal and looked it over. “No, it’s a lobster.”
“You’re all wrong,” Timmy said as he took it back. “It’s just a bunch of balloons randomly tied together. You people are weird.”
February 1: Flash Fiction Challenge
“Trust me, son, you’ll like this film,” father said as he inserted the DVD. “It’s a classic!”
“Oh no, not another black and white movie.”
“Still a quality film.”
“But old movies are so dated,” the son insisted. “And they talk so fast you can’t understand them.”
“That’s because they were all high on Benzedrine, but you’ll like this one,” father assured. “A timeless story.” He pressed play on the remote, the movie started, and they watched the opening scene.
“So if this is a black and white movie,” the son wondered, “how come it only has white actors?”
January 25: Flash Fiction Challenge
Terry looked over the screenplay he was cowriting and hoped that the alteration he made would be acceptable. He went to the director.
“There’s something about the script I think should change,” Terry said.
“The title? What’s wrong with Edge of Doom?”
“Well, it’s a bit clichéd.”
“But it matches the theme perfectly!” the director asserted.
“True, but I was thinking of something a little more imaginative.” Terry handed over the rewritten script.
The director looked at the title page. “Seriously?” he laughed. “Who’s going to want to watch a movie called Dr. Strangelove“?
January 18: Flash Fiction Challenge
Cpl. Wildey led his squad through a clearing and into a wooded thicket toward enemy lines on a reconnaissance mission to ascertain troop locations. The trail they were on approached an enemy headquarters in the distance. Cpl. Wildey thought he saw movement ahead, so he ordered his troops to sneak up by crawling through a high grass area. He carefully maneuvered them without notice when he suddenly came face to face with a pair of the enemy’s boots standing squarely and menacingly. Fear shot through him, until he looked up and saw that no one was wearing the boots.
Dec. 21: Flash Fiction Contest
The man stopped when he came across a pleasant sight of white flowers arrayed in front of him. He wistfully contemplated the field of new growth. The beautiful daisy, he sighed to himself, Bellis perennis if memory serves me. He looked across the many bright yellow dots surrounded by snow white petals atop thin green stems and silently thanked Mother Nature for providing him with such a lovely site. It’s like a…carpet of prettiness, he beheld, a gift from the natural world for all the world to enjoy.
He then restarted his mower and chopped them all down.
September 7: Flash Fiction Challenge
Silvio the waiter moved from table to table taking customer’s orders and answering their many questions about the menu. He then ran back to the kitchen, quickly arranged various plates of food onto a serving tray, and ran back out with the tray on his upturned palm. He adroitly sidestepped other servers and bussers on his way to table.
“Waiter!” an obnoxious customer screeched.
Silvio halted and looked down at the customer contemptuously.
“What’s this fly doing in my soup?” the customer demanded as he pointed down at his soup bowl.
Silvio glanced down at the bowl. “The backstroke!”
Inspired by a prompt from Two On a Rant, punchline plagiarized from an old Saturday Night Live sketch. I wanted to use an image of the two actors, but they’re all copyrighted by NBC.
Source: 99 word prompt: honeymoon
The young couple checked into the hotel and quickly dashed to their honeymoon suite. Fresh from their wedding and brimming with lust, they ripped at each other’s clothes as they commenced to make love. Their bodies entangled as they writhed around passionately on the heart shaped bed. Their hot, gyrating flesh formed into a single mass as they became connected body and soul.
“Oh, Sandy darling!” the man cried out. “You’re the best. Don’t stop! You do this so good!”
The woman abruptly stopped and looked at her husband crossly. “Dear, why are you screaming out your own name?”