A Gilligan’s Island spoof in which the roles of the Skipper and Gilligan are reimagined as played by Carol O’Connor (he read for the part of the Skipper) and Rob Reiner. The rest of the castaways should appear as portrayed by their original actors. Gilligan’s Island debuted on CBS on September 26, 1964, about a month and a half after the Gulf of Tonkin incident that escalated the Vietnam War, and the premise here is that the SS Minnow was supposed to be a part of the operation but was surreptitiously steered off course by Gilligan because he is opposed to escalation.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
SKIPPER (ARCHIE BUNKER)
GILLIGAN (MIKE STIVIC)
MARY ANN
GINGER
MR. HOWELL
MRS. HOWELL
PROFESSOR
Scene: An uncharted island in the South Pacific
Time: Day, August 1964
(MARY ANN and GINGER are sitting on a log talking while sewing a net.)
GINGER
I sure hope Gilligan and the Skipper can get the Minnow fixed. I’d hate to be stranded on this primitive island.
MARY ANN
I’m sure they will, Ginger. The Skipper is very capable and experienced.
GINGER
And Gilligan?
MARY ANN
His incompetency keeps everyone amused.
GINGER
(Looks at MARY ANN’S sewing)
You do that very well, Mary Ann. I wish I knew how to sew like that.
MARY ANN
It’s not that hard. Let me show you.
(Demonstrates)
See? Nothing too it.
GINGER
Oh, I see. I never had a chance to learn how to sew. If one of my costumes had a rip during one of my shows, our costumer would sew it up.
MARY ANN
Wow, that sounds convenient.
GINGER
Yes, it was. I wanted to bring him along on this trip, but his husband doesn’t want him traveling overseas.
MARY ANN
Wait a minute, his husband? That’s not legal.
GINGER
But why not? If two people love each other, they should be able to marry no what their gender is.
MARY ANN
This is 1964, remember?
GINGER
Oh, the dark ages.
(SKIPPER and GILLIGAN enter. They are both upset.)
SKIPPER
Gilligan, you meathead! We’re supposed to be in Tonkin right now, not this island of cannibals!
GILLIGAN
We have no right to be in Southeast Asia! Our foreign policy is firing at everything that moves!
MARY ANN
What’s wrong, guys?
SKIPPER
This dumb Polack sabotaged us!
MARY ANN
Oh no, Gilligan! How could you?
GILLIGAN
I didn’t sabotage anything! I merely diverted our course to this island to avoid any danger.
GINGER
But what if no one rescues us?
SKIPPER
Yeah, genius! Did you think of that?
GILLIGAN
We’ll be fine! We just hit a reef a little too hard, that’s all. We’ll fix it. And I’m sure the natives here are very friendly people who’ll be more than willing to help us.
SKIPPER
Oh my god! Are you serious?
GILLIGAN
I am. And I’ll bet they’re not at all like those stereotypes you believe in.
SKIPPER
I’ve had enough of your commie peacenick talk! We work for Uncle Sam, not Ho Chi Minh!
GILLIGAN
And why do you assume this island is populated with cannibals? Because they’re different from us, and therefore must be uncivilized?
SKIPPER
Oh yeah? I bet you wouldn’t want one living next to you!
GILLIGAN
It wouldn’t bother me one bit to have a Pacific Islander as a neighbor.
SKIPPER
What, you’d live next to an Oriental? Would you live next door to a colored as well?
GILLIGAN
(Proudly)
I’d live next door to anyone. We are all equals.
SKIPPER
Meathead, of all the stupid things you’ve said, that’s the stupidest one yet!
(Rest of CASTAWAYS enter.)
MR. HOWELL
What’s all this fighting about?
MRS. HOWELL
Yes, you boys are making such a terrible racket.
SKIPPER
This pinko steered us off course!
GILLIGAN
We’ll fix it! Now enough with the anger.
MR. HOWELL
Well please hurry because we need to get back out onto sea and get to Tonkin as fast as we can. My friends at Bell Helicopter are counting on us.
MRS. HOWELL
And Lockheed, and Raytheon, and Northrup Grumman.
MR. HOWELL
Yes, lovey, I was just getting to that.
GILLIGAN
Don’t you see? We’re fighting for corporations!
SKIPPER
Corporations made America!
GILLIGAN
That is so narrow and misinformed! Isn’t there more to America than just taking wealth from other nations?
MARY ANN
Gilligan, I think you’ve been reading too much I.F. Stone.
MRS. HOWELL
Yes, Gilligan, you really should avoid those dreadful radicals.
MR. HOWELL
Bomb throwers they are!
GINGER
And I’m not taking anything, Gilligan. If anything, I’m giving of myself.
(The CASTAWAYS give words of agreement and support.)
PROFESSOR
So you see, Gilligan, there’s more to this mission than just corporate profitability. For instance, I’m doing experiments with a new chemical compound I’ve developed for Dow Chemicals.
MRS. HOWELL
That’s right. And how is the new defoliant coming along, Professor?
PROFESSOR
So far amazingly well. I predict a bright future for Agent Orange.
MRS. HOWELL
That’s just wonderful. Isn’t it, dear?
MR. HOWELL
Yes, we’ll destroy the jungles of Vietnam in no time. I’ll bet they surrender within the year!
GILLIGAN
So that’s our strategy? Defoliating their entire country?
MARY ANN
Oh it’s harmless, we use the same stuff on the farms back in Iowa. And except for the occasional serial killer we haven’t had any problems.
GINGER
But will this operation only last a year? I’ve been working hard on my USO act and was so looking forward to performing for our boys.
PROFESSOR
Well perhaps our involvement will be more than a year, maybe it’ll be two years.
SKIPPER
And don’t you worry, Ginger. We’ll get you to your show, just as soon as we fix the Minnow. We just had a little problem thanks to Gilligan’s meatheadedness!
GILLIGAN
Skipper, we have no business taking part in another country’s civil war!
SKIPPER
Haven’t you ever heard of the domino principle? If one country falls to Kremlin Joe and Chairman Mao they’re all going to fall.
GILLIGAN
But it is so much more complex than that! How can you reduce the complications of world politics and conflicting ideologies into a kid’s game?
PROFESSOR
So people can understand it. Otherwise the average American won’t be able to appreciate our Southeast Asia mission.
GILLIGAN
It’s that kind of dumbed down thinking that leads to war.
MARY ANN
But that’s how progress is made. When this skirmish is over we’ll have a new ally in the Cold War. You have to look at the big picture, Gilligan.
MR. HOWELL
Yes, the Soviet Union will come crawling to us!
MARY ANN
That’s right. And once we win the Cold War that’ll be the end of world tensions once and for all.
PROFESSOR
So as you can see, Gilligan, we’re on a mission of peace.
GINGER
That’s right. In the future people will be appreciative how Vietnam brought peace to America.
GILLIGAN
But how do we know that the Pentagon isn’t lying to us?
MR. HOWELL
That is absurd, my dear boy. Our government would never lie to the public.
MRS. HOWELL
But they do keep some secrets, like classified military operations.
MR. HOWELL
Well of course, lovey, but that’s not the same thing as giving out false information. That would be unthinkable.
GILLIGAN
Ha! And you call me naive!
SKIPPER
No, we call you meathead.
GILLIGAN
But why believe everything the government says?
MR. HOWELL
Because we conservatives believe in maintaining our institutions, not overthrowing them.
MRS. HOWELL
Oh, Gilligan, you really should come to your senses.
GILLIGAN
But I have! That’s what I’m saying.
PROFESSOR
So what makes you so skeptical about our mission, Gilligan?
GILLIGAN
Well, look at what happened to the French.
SKIPPER
Oh don’t get me started on those frogs!
GILLIGAN
But don’t you remember how they got bogged down over there? And they had colonized Indochina for almost a hundred years! We can’t let the same thing happen to us.
PROFESSOR
France was weakened by German occupation during World War II, so maintaining their colonies was becoming extraneous.
SKIPPER
And they did it all wrong because they were too busy swilling wine and being rude! Uncle Sam has to go in there and finish the job!
GILLIGAN
And how’s it going to be different for us? What if we get stuck in the same quagmire?
MR. HOWELL
Because we’re America, dear boy! And America doesn’t do quagmires.
MRS. HOWELL
Yes, quagmires are so tedious.
GILLIGAN
But nobody intends to get into a quagmire! They happen when you underestimate your situation and you end up getting bogged down by unforeseen obstacles.
GINGER
But Gilligan, must you be so defeatist?
MARY ANN
Yeah, Gilligan, you need to jump on the bandwagon and cheer America on for the big win!
GILLIGAN
I just don’t trust what’s going on.
PROFESSOR
But you need to have more faith in the government, Gilligan. They may get it wrong sometimes, but only by accident. They would never purposefully get us into an intractable situation.
(Everyone except GILLIGAN agrees.)
GILLIGAN
Okay, hear me out. Suppose, hypothetically, that our government is in collusion with certain business interests to make sure this military operation lasts longer than they’re saying.
(Everyone except GILLIGAN is disbelieving.)
MARY ANN
Now would they do that?
GILLIGAN
Because war is good for business.
SKIPPER
Now wait a minute, nobody said anything about a war! We’re providing support for a police action!
GILLIGAN
Yes, that’s how it starts, but then it’ll escalate, just like Korea!
SKIPPER
We handled that!
GILLIGAN
That ended with a cease fire, technically we’re still at war there.
PROFESSOR
Technically, yes, but do you really think little North Korea will ever pose a risk to us?
MARY ANN
Yeah, it’s not like they’re a nuclear power.
GILLIGAN
But still, that kind of heavy handedness creates pockets of oppression, frustration, and discontent. And then people lash out.
SKIPPER
And then an air strike is called. Case closed.
GILLIGAN
But I thought we weren’t at war! Clearly an air strike is an act of military aggression.
SKIPPER
An air strike doesn’t mean a war, it’s about protecting our men serving overseas!
GILLIGAN
Ah, and why are our men overseas if it’s not for military purposes?
PROFESSOR
It’s all part of the overall plan of world peace we’ve discussed.
SKIPPER
Yeah! Weren’t you listening?
GILLIGAN
(Facetiously)
Of course, peace through war. Makes perfect sense.
MARY ANN
Gilligan, you may not like our foreign policy, but as long as we’re all stuck on this island, you won’t have a chance to express your views.
MR. HOWELL
And I won’t get a chance to build up my stock portfolio.
GINGER
And I won’t get a chance to perform for our boys.
MARY ANN
Yeah, Gilligan, you really need to repair the Minnow.
(Everyone tries to convince GILLIGAN until he relents.)
GILLIGAN
Okay, okay! You’ll all be happy to know that I’ve already got the bow fixed. So we can all get off this island and resume our dubious Southeast Asia mission.
(Everyone lets out cheers of satisfaction.)
MR. HOWELL
At last! We can leave this island of primitives.
PROFESSOR
And I can get back to work on my death ray.
GINGER
And I can entertain our boys!
PROFESSOR
And what do you do, Mary Ann?
MARY ANN
(Puzzled)
You know, I’m not sure.
SKIPPER
Well I’ll make sure you all get to where you’re going to. Now let’s get going!
(Everyone exits toward the Minnow, except MRS. POWELL, who stops the SKIPPER to ask him a question.)
MRS. HOWELL
Now Skipper, before we get going, I was wondering if you could help us load our trunk back onto the Minnow. I tried to talk Thurston into leaving it on the boat, but he insisted on bringing it on shore. He almost threw his back out! Poor thing. I keep telling him, lovey, you’re not on the college polo team anymore, but he doesn’t listen, hardly ever does really. But the trunk shouldn’t give you any trouble, certainly not a strapping sea captain such as yourself.
(During monologue, SKIPPER will pantomime suicide, one of Archie Bunker’s classic shticks when Edith talked too much.
MRS. HOWELL
And I was also wondering if wouldn’t be too much trouble to make a stop over in Thailand? They make these lovely looking figurines, and I was hoping to pick some up as Christmas presents. Now I know Christmas is still months away, but they are such lovely figurines, and I really don’t know when Thurston and I will be in the South Pacific again. Did I ever tell you about the time we dined with King Rama? A gracious host, but oh so serious. A guest who had had too much to drink had made an off color remark that really upset the King. He was going to have the man publicly flogged, but fortunately for him the CIA station chief intervened and we are all spared the indignity of seeing poor Senator Kennedy whipped in front of all those peasants.
(The SKIPPER pantomimes tying a rope into a noose, then hanging himself dead while MRS. HOWELL talks obliviously.)
CURTAIN
©2018 Robert Kirkendall
Robert Kirkendall 